Another day I spent alone in my apartment, attempting to forge out a routine to keep me sane. There are certain things I do every morning, no matter the terrible time I wake up – eat breakfast by forcing myself to put the oats into the pot and let them cook. I stir in a three heaps of almond butter for protein, snap a bunch of walnuts in half for omega-3s, and throw in a one date chopped up because they are too expensive to chop up two— screw it, I chop two. I eat it without tasting it. I drink my coffee without tasting it too, drinking it mostly because if I don’t I will wind up with a headache so severe that it will make me ill the rest of the day. I tell myself I need to quit caffeine again but can’t muster the energy to care. A single cup of coffee in the morning won’t kill me.
I then pick up my phone and scroll. Sometimes I’m “good” and I’ll do my puzzles or listen to music. Then I sit at my computer and stare numbly. The draft of my current project is open and I’ll tinker with it – at times I’ll write in it. Scroll some more. Look up and 3 hours have passed. It’s mid-afternoon or dinner time. I shower, berate myself for getting behind. Getting behind what? I don’t know. I get dressed. I have nowhere to go. I lay on my bed and lament about having nowhere to go. I get up and go for a walk. It’s getting cold out though and with my illness I can’t walk as long as I want without causing a flare. I come home. I scroll. Finally, I’ll sit down and do what I need to do.
Apply for jobs.
My draft sits in an open tab.
There’s a fine line I am always walking about how much of myself and life I should share online, especially when so much of social media is a carefully curated persona. I live in a busy city where many people come to visit. It’s easy to put on a smile and take aesthetic photos. It’s a reminder that, often, each of us share what we want to share. I am not saying that people are being disingenuous but when I made my writer IG it was meant for just that, writing, and the parts of my life that entailed.
But to be honest, I haven’t been writing much.
My life has been a house on the edge of a cliff that is slowly crumbling, and I have been tasked with uprooting the foundation and moving it somewhere more stable, but that takes time and it takes a lot of work. Emotionally, spiritually, physically.
In an ironic twist, I am not depressed about it. I don’t know how I would have managed this particular struggle I am going through if I was going through it last year. Thank you whatever cruel twist of fate is out there to not give me too much at once. *laughs morosely*
I’ve been suffering through the job market for months. I’ve had many close calls. I’ve reached out to professionals. I apply on my own, and have a headhunter. I sucked up my pride and reached out to friends to keep me in mind if they hear of any positions. My mind is muddled with numbers. Application numbers. Bank numbers. Word count numbers. Numbers. Numbers. Numbers.
And so, I face another year where my writing goes on the back burner.
We often talk about who gets published. It’s no secret that publishing has various issues, and that authors and creatives are still pushing for diversity, and calling publishing out for letting many marginalized authors fall through the cracks.
But as a creative on the other side (aka someone who is still just trying to finish something they feel is good enough to query), I often am thinking about who gets the privilege to create in the first place.
There has always been this notion that if you have pen and paper then you can write, which factually is correct, but there are many reasons why people don’t show up to the page.
Being destabilized in life is definitely a big one and one often not talked about. There is a privilege in stability. Stability can be many things to having help around the house whether it be a partner or living with family, to having stable income which then covers your basic needs such as ensuring you have access to food, access to healthcare, and access to participate in de-stressing activities which can include access to socialize with friends to going to your hot yoga. Stability also comes in forms of safety. Feeling that your personhood is in a safe environment where you can be yourself is also incredibly important.
Too often I see well meaning creators spout the whole “as long as you have pen and paper” or the “just write 10 words a day! It adds up!” All factually true but do not take people in as a whole person who need their basic needs met to nourish their mind, body, and soul to feel stable. This doesn’t mean those facing destabilization in their life cannot create of course. Throughout history those facing adversity whether it be illness, poverty, abuse, etc… have still found means to create but creating through these conditions looks different for everyone.
Because I can only talk about my own experiences and nuances, I will be open and vulnerable. My life has been on the hinges for a couple years now, and while I know there is a way out, I don’t know how long it will take. I am scared. I have been scared as I face multiple challenges and factors that are out of my control. A quiet recession. Extreme inflation. An oversaturated job market. A world on fire. On top of, I’ve been continually teaching myself how to navigate a capitalist society as a chronically ill adult who is perpetually “on your own kid” while attempting to nourish my Muse and still create in the small moments I can.
Do I believe that everything will work out and I will come out better and stronger?
Of course. I have to.
It’s the only way I can push through and go to sleep at night. And while some may be able to sit down through despair and pound out draft after draft, I find myself facing the page and feeling numb. My brain is preoccupied with so many other things than the worlds I am creating. Escapism is different for everyone, and everyone approaches and handles their art differently.
For me, my art is tender. It flourishes when I am flourishing, and withers when I am withering. Right now, I have good days where I can write out a chapter and then I go weeks without drafting a single word. I have accepted that this is okay. I am not any less of a creative because of it.
I didn’t plan to write this post. Actually, I wanted to struggle in silence and when I prevailed and landed a job and gained some stability be like “HA! Take that!”, but it's because of my openness to be vulnerable about my situation that I have met several others in the same situation, who commiserated with me and nodded along that they got it. Being open led me to an interview for a job (which I didn’t get) but managed to be in the final two. Being open led me to having discussions with other creatives who nudged me along to other fields where they thought I could succeed and be a potential good fit. And most of all, it led me to a lot of people who have more years on me, and are wiser than me, who gave me a good *virtual* hair ruffle and let me know that it will be okay, even if it takes some time.
So, if you're in the same boat, where you are facing hardships out of your control and telling yourself that you should be writing or creating or whatever, know that you’re not alone.
To wrap this up, I want to share a bit of advice from an old teacher of mine who reached out to me a couple months ago to see how I was. Thanks for the “old guy advice” Mr. M.
“You have to maintain this (dare I say it?) paradoxical mix of tenderness towards yourself and your art, and a simultaneous hard-assed approach to life in the big city just to survive. It’s a delicate balancing act, especially for we “sensitive types” who would love to lose ourselves in being creative all day. Having a regular day gig with benefits does not cut you off from your artistic self, rather it gives you some degree of security while you’re addressing the Muse. Be prepared to get by on less sleep (don’t ask me how I know).”
Till next time my sweets!
—Jen
as always, beautifully said and also just what i (a fellow job hunter also trying to finish One Draft for the first time) needed to read this morning <3 sending a virtual cup clink!!
Thank you for sharing ❤️